The Before Picture

I just missed Lent, but this year, I'm making an exception.

This year, I'm giving up eating.

It all started with Michelle (whose blog I contribute to) and I planning a trip to Key West for Memorial Day weekend. Plans started to take shape, condos were booked, new bathing suits and sundresses were bought, and, finally, workout plans were scouted out.

I've been walking after work with a friend in an effort to get off our lazy butts and get rid of some of the extra L.B.s packed on in a sedentary life style. This has done nothing. If anything, it has made it so I don't feel guilty indulging in things that are bad for me, because, hey, I walk after work a couple times a week now.

About two weeks ago, I realized the walking wasn't going to cut it to get me swimsuit-ready by Memorial Day, and I started working out more. More often, more intense workouts, and more time spent doing it.

Today, the day that marks two months to the day until our trip, I decided to take the before picture so that at the end of my workout crunch, I could see how much progress I had made.

Holy God. I'm not one to freak out about my weight, and obviously I look at myself in the mirror on a daily basis, but there's something about being able to zoom in on the rolls that magnifies the issues.

Behold, the before picture (on the left you will find back fat, on the right the muffintop):












Hence why I am giving up eating.

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 3/22/2008

It's been a rough week for me, and some of the reality stars have been feeling my pain:

• The new season of The Bachelor premiered on Monday. This season, the token drunk girl was Stacy, a grad student who got trashed and as a drunken token of her affection decided to not-so-subtly slip her panties into the Bachelor's pants. Another Bachelorette decided to impress the Bachelor by chomping into a beer can with her bare teeth, biting off a piece and giving it to him and saying, "just a little something to remember me by".
• On Make Me a Supermodel, Perry practices and perfects the art of "the tuck". I'll let you come to your own conclusions about what that means.
  
• At the elimination ceremony, Brett leaves it up to Kristie Joe to stay in the house or leave. After everything she has put the entire cast of Rock of Love through, she decides, of her own accord to leave and "take care of things at home". Brett is heartbroken. Inexplicably.
• On the Gauntlet III finale, Eric "Easy" is unable to finish the race and has to be taken to the hospital. The rookies, after losing nearly every challenge, win by default since you must finish the race with all of your team members.
• Only a Matter of Time: For those of you who haven't watched Pop Fiction, I recommend it. Celebs get back at the pap (paparazzi, for those not in the know) by portraying things about themselves that are not true for the pap to spread around. I have a feeling this week is going to be Halle Berry and her brand new daughter "Nahla Ariella". That can't possibly be her real name, right?

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 3/14/2008

My life feels somewhat empty again, now that this season of Project Runway is over. Here's what's still keeping me going:

• This week's Supernanny was touted as having one of the longest tantrums in the show's history. My legs have never been more firmly closed shut.
• Dustin Diamond made a triumphant return to this season's Celebrity Fit Club, seeking his third 15 minutes of fame.
• Kim, of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, insists she is entitled to the most expensive suite in a Miami hotel, despite the fact that it had been booked for months. I didn't realize people famous for having sex tapes with minor celebrities were entitled to most expensive suites that have been booked for months. Later in the show she catches her little sisters poking fun at her diva ways.
• In other news, Kim Kardashian's little sisters are awesome.
• Jessica Sierra couldn't make it back to the Celebrity Rehab reunion due to prior commitments.
• Only a Matter of Time: Dustin Diamond will somehow weasel his way into his own reality show on VH1 for his fourth 15 minutes.

How To Lie With Statistics

I hate ads like this (I wanted to embed it, but it got deleted off youtube).

Ads like this are prime examples of how to lie with statistics.

Propel compares its calories with Vitamin Water's. They say how much exercise you'd have to do if you were to drink Vitamin Water versus their superior fitness water.

What they fail to point out is that Vitamin Water has more vitamins per serving than Propel. For instance, Propel has 25% and 10% of Vitamin E and Vitamin B12, respectively. Meanwhile, Vitamin Water has 50% of each of these in the same serving size. The most notable difference comes in Vitamin C, where Propel has 25% in 20 oz. and Vitamin Water has 100% (or an astounding 150% in their defense version).

They also don't point out that if you drink their Propel Fitness Water, you'd still have to do 98 sit ups, 528 steps, or 199 jumps, which, while less than the amount you'd have to do if you were to sin and consume Vitamin Water, is nothing to sneeze at.

And, like I touched on in my rant about Coke Zero versus Coca Cola, Propel is probably loaded with all sorts of artificial flavors that don't fill you up and make you eat more in the long run, and in the longer run, have to run more.

GET RICH[ER] QUICK

For those of you who don't know me (all two-ish of you) I have a pretty interesting work environment. I am fairly confident I'm being taped for a reality show, the reality version of the hit NBC show, The Office, complete with our own Jim, secret office romance, and unspeakably ridiculous boss.

One of the things we do to pass time (and boost ratings!), is we come up with Get Rich Quick Schemes so we can quit our jobs and live in the lap of luxury. In light of our Jim transferring to a new department, and leaving me to complete his work, I have decided to fast-track my getting rich by sharing the ideas we've come up with so far. If interested, please leave me a comment and I will entertain the idea of you making me rich. Don't try and steal these, I'll sue you (Get Rich Quick Scheme #14). So here they are:

1. Mouth guard to cover teeth to prevent tooth decay for bulimics
2. Video crew to document embarrassing moments at holiday parties, weddings, anywhere alcohol is abundant, and blackmail offending person
3. Gag gift of a large ear to give to someone who likes to talk but can't find willing listeners
4. Swarovski crystal rims for car
5. Pet parasites ("It'll keep you skinny!")
6. Football helmet shaped beanie hats
7. "La Oficina" - Spanish version of The Office
8. Kid size tanning beds with pictures/movies on the inside to keep them entertained so they'll stay in the full length of time (This will come in handy for stage moms entering their daughters in Lil' Miss beauty pageants.)
9. Tattoos visible-by-black-light-only for those who wish to live double lives
10. Roach clip for real roaches (inspired by our ant clip [We have an ant farm. Jealous...?])
11. Car tinting made of what the eyeglasses that change color according to how much light there is are made of
12. Eyebrow hair extensions
13. Move out to L.A. and buy beater cars, park outside popular nightclubs and wait for celebrities to hit you while driving drunk
    

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 3/7/2008

Holy crap it's been a busy week in reality TV. There's so much to cover:

• Daisy, from the Rock of Love, didn't get the words of the National Anthem right... even with the lyrics in front of her face. In other not-the-sharpest-tool-in-the-shed news, Megan learned new words like "posterity" when learning the Preamble to the Constitution. Is it just me or is it a distinct possibility that she hasn't realized yet that she's on Rock of Love now, not Beauty and the Geek anymore? Brett also claimed at the elimination ceremony to be emotionally and physically drained for the second week in a row. Syphilis will do that to a person. A much more exhaustive recap here (Story).
  
• Scott Baio found his friend Johnny D. at a strip club at 11 a.m. that advertised their "Lunch and Lap Dance" special for $5.99 on Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant. Lunch AND a lap dance for $5.99... seriously?? Can you blame him??
• I happened to stumble on The Greatest Reality Show of All Time, My Big Redneck Wedding, hosted by Tom Arnold (Awesome.). Even better: it was a marathon. Featured on the marathon included but are not limited to the following: a demolition derby wedding, complete with a pink camo car, a groom dressed in his best camo, and mother son mud wrestling.
• On the Project Runway finale, Christian failed to keep his promise of not saying "fierce" for the rest of the season, a not-shocking-at-all FIVE times.
• I can't believe I almost forgot to include the events of this week's Millionaire Matchmaker. Two successful men were set up with nice, classy girls. And by nice, classy girls I mean girls that participate in varying degrees of the adult industry (Story).
  
• Supposedly Perry (from Make Me A Supermodel)'s girlfriend was the mystery woman Adnan Ghalib is "cheating" on Britney Spears with.
  
• Only a Matter of Time: Speaking of Britney, in an interview with Project Runway, Christian says that he wants to have a reality show where he offers fashion and styling tips to Britney (Story). Did I call it or what?

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 2/29/2008

My obsession with reality shows has reached new heights. This week I got my hair cut to look like Lauren from The Hills. Here's what I caught when I wasn't trying to look like a similebrity:

• On the Flavor of Love, Flavor Flav took his date to the classiest place he could think of: Tony Romas. Nothing says romance like ribs and wet naps.
• In the showdown between Rami Kashou and Chris March for the final spot to show at fashion week on the finale of Project Runway, Chris showed a collection that featured human hair as an accent. Unbeweaveable.
• Everybody's still losing their sh*t on Celebrity Rehab. From what I hear, some managed to get it all out while in rehab, others, not so much (Story).
• The mother that appeared on this week's Supernanny was the first in the show's history to leave the table at the lesson Jo Jo, the supernanny, was trying to teach her and refused to come back. She was promptly put in her place.
• On America's Next Top Model, one of the girls confesses in panel that she's not really into fashion at all, and doesn't get it and would like to be eliminated. Needless to say, her wish was granted. But seriously, wouldn't you know that before you were in the house, wasting everybody's time?
• Only a Matter of Time: It's only a matter of time before I become so obsessed with reality shows that I start taking steps to look like reality stars. Oh wait...

What the hell is wrong with people?

On the way home from work today, I was cut off. Pretty blatantly. I had to slam on my brakes in order to not hit the guy. So I honked at him.

Then the gesturing starts. He's throwing his arms up at me in his rearview mirror to let me know I was wrong to honk. I gesture back, putting my hands up as if to say, "you're really gesturing at me about this?".

He then gets into the next lane over, presumably cutting off someone else in the process.

At this point we are side by side.

Then he starts with the yelling. Apparently the gesturing didn't get his point across. He hollers, "DIDN'T YOU SEE THE SIGNAL?!"

I must be in need of a refresher course of Driver's Ed. because when I took the course in high school, the answer to this multiple choice question:

When is it acceptable to cut people off forcing them to slam on the brakes?
a. It is never acceptable to cut people off.
b. When your wife/baby mama is in labor
c. When you signal first
d. When you are on your cell phone
e. It is always acceptable to cut people off forcing them to slam on the brakes.

was neither c. nor e.

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 2/15/2008

There was TONS of good stuff this week, so let's get to it.

• On Snoop Dogg's Father Hood Snoop's kids learned very important life lessons from Snoop's cousin, Joe Cool, "Never smoke a pipe. Never touch another man. Never suck another man's dick. Never suck your own dick."
• This week I caught a little known show called Jail, where people are shown being booked and held in jails across the country. I tuned in because the preview billed this particular episode as the OJ Simpson episode. I will tune in next week because one of the staff members says to one inmate, "You're here more than I am, you know the rules".
• One of the husbands on Wife Swap claims to be proud of the fact that he has brainwashed his children, because, according to him, brainwashing entails being washed as a part of God's love. The man should be "washed" of his parental rights.
• Flavor of Love is back for a third season. Doctors in the LA area will soon start to see the return of Flavorrhea.
  
• On the last real episode of Project Runway before the finale, the most shocking thing was not that both Chris and Rami are going to be completing collections and competing for the third spot at Fashion Week, it was the peek of garter I saw under Gillian's dress when she jumped up and down after getting a spot in the final three.
  
• Only a matter of time: At the elimination ceremony on Rock of Love, Aubry decided to sacrifice herself to save Kristi Joe's place in the house. Moments after her dramatic exit from the house, we find out, he was getting rid of her anyway. Once Kristie Joe gets inevitably kicked off, I'll put money on them getting their own show together. That kind of love doesn't come along very often.
  

Moderation

Why is it so hard for people to grasp the concept of moderation?

I'm talking in the context of eating and exercising, but I'm sure the lesson can be applied elsewhere.

My mom forwarded me an article this morning that was about a study done in which rats were either given saccharin (like the stuff used in diet drinks) or sugar (like the stuff that actually tastes good). The rats given saccharin gained more weight than the rats given sugar.

Why?

Because the rats given sugar didn't overeat as much as the saccharin rats. The saccharin appeared not to trigger the "full" feeling that was triggered in the sugar rats.

So everyone that's given me shit about drinking my regular, full-calorie Coca-colas can suck it. That includes my male boss who has been quoted as saying, "Wow... I didn't know anyone drank regular Coke anymore" and "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips".

Also today, one of my friends brought me and another one of our friends a flourless chocolate tort. It was insanely good, but probably not very healthy (although, as she pointed out, it had tons of protein and antioxidants from the 9 eggs and tons of cocoa that went into the recipe). I got copied on the thank you from our other friend for hers. It said thank you and had tons of praise, but she said that she kept trying to start her diet because so many delicious things kept happening.

As an aside: she absolutely does not need to be on a diet.

Another friend was trying not to eat cheese for a week because so much of what she eats had cheese in it and she decided it wasn't good for her. After three days, she "fell off the wagon".

If we wait until nothing comes up, or we behave perfectly, we'll never start or continue anything. I think this is the problem with people thinking of dieting or exercising as "on the wagon" or "off the wagon".

People should strive to do the best they can, focus on the successes and not harp on the failures.

I never make vows like "I'm going to bring my lunch every day for a month" or "I'm going to work out every day for a week". I know that's not realistic for me, and I know once I've "fallen off the wagon", I say "Screw it" and I'm back to eating out and laying on my couch every day.

If we could all just learn the concept of more or less, rather than all or nothing, we'd all be happier, healthier people.