REAL[ITY] CHECK - 4/11/2008

Screw reality shows... The Office is back!!!

But seriously, here's what happened this week:

• Daisy, from the Rock of Love, proved how out of her life her ex-boyfriend is by having his sister show up to represent Daisy's family.
• Tree got extra queeny at her objection speech on Flavor of Love.
• Lots to talk about on The Real Housewives of New York City. Bethenny and Jill plan a dinner party and invite Alex saying, "It's a girls' party, it's a girls' night". Alex responds, "Could I bring Simon?". Simon is her gayer than gay husband. Ramona dancing is reminiscent of Elaine Benes from Seinfeld. Luann puts Bethenny in her place when Bethenny wrongly introduces Luann to Bethenny's boyfriend's driver as "Luann", not "Mrs. De Lesseps".
• Rocky, from I Know My Kid's a Star, throws a tantrum in the confessional and says she's going to kill someone while gesturing wildly with a hanger in her hand. I don't think that's what is meant when they use the term "hanged".
• Only a Matter of Time: before all of the scripted shows are back and these updates get shorter and shorter...

That thing got a hemi?

I'm not knocking confidence, but it takes a certain amount of self-assuredness to rock a car wrap like the one I saw on my drive home today.


If you can't read it, the copy says, "The Painless Hemorrhoid Treatment Ultroid". And, forgive me, but is she rubbing the "painless hemorrhoid treatment" on her lips?

Fresh Cows

...And if cows were meant to be cooked and eaten, wouldn't they come from the fiery pits of Hell?

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 4/4/2008

I know I didn't post last week, and I really have no good excuse, except that I'm lazy and I've been busy working on my pudge. Besides that, there wasn't a whole lot going on in reality TV last week. The one thing I feel is worth mentioning from last week was:

• The week before last on Flavor of Love, Flav kept Shy around on the condition that she go to the dentist for her kickin' breath. Shy dutifully went to the dentist and found out that she needed extensive dental work and that she would have dentures by the time she was 40 if she continued with her current habits. What was her response to this? Did she schedule a deep cleaning? Ask Flav for the money to get all of this fixed? No. She made a necklace out of mint lifesavers.

So here's this week:

• On Rock of Love, Bret found out this week that, in addition to currently living with her ex-boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment and having an abortion after getting pregnant by him, that Daisy used to hang out with Bret's bandmate from Poison, C. C. Deville. As if this isn't enough, she goes into hysterics at the elimination ceremony. He should just get back with Heather and be done with it.
• The Hills is back. Yawn.
• Holly won Make Me a Supermodel. She should use her $100,000 prize to buy a voice people can understand.
• Step It Up and Dance premiered this week with Elizabeth Berkley (!!!) hosting. Christian from Project Runway has some stiff competition in the fierce department from James, one of the contenders for Best Step It Up and Dancer (?).
• Only a Matter of Time: This week on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the sisters have an enlightening conversation with their 10 year old half sister about becoming a woman. Sister Kim is nowhere to be found. It's only a matter of time before another sex tape "leaks" to the media to regain her place in the "I'm Famous For No Reason" spotlight.
  

The Before Picture

I just missed Lent, but this year, I'm making an exception.

This year, I'm giving up eating.

It all started with Michelle (whose blog I contribute to) and I planning a trip to Key West for Memorial Day weekend. Plans started to take shape, condos were booked, new bathing suits and sundresses were bought, and, finally, workout plans were scouted out.

I've been walking after work with a friend in an effort to get off our lazy butts and get rid of some of the extra L.B.s packed on in a sedentary life style. This has done nothing. If anything, it has made it so I don't feel guilty indulging in things that are bad for me, because, hey, I walk after work a couple times a week now.

About two weeks ago, I realized the walking wasn't going to cut it to get me swimsuit-ready by Memorial Day, and I started working out more. More often, more intense workouts, and more time spent doing it.

Today, the day that marks two months to the day until our trip, I decided to take the before picture so that at the end of my workout crunch, I could see how much progress I had made.

Holy God. I'm not one to freak out about my weight, and obviously I look at myself in the mirror on a daily basis, but there's something about being able to zoom in on the rolls that magnifies the issues.

Behold, the before picture (on the left you will find back fat, on the right the muffintop):












Hence why I am giving up eating.

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 3/22/2008

It's been a rough week for me, and some of the reality stars have been feeling my pain:

• The new season of The Bachelor premiered on Monday. This season, the token drunk girl was Stacy, a grad student who got trashed and as a drunken token of her affection decided to not-so-subtly slip her panties into the Bachelor's pants. Another Bachelorette decided to impress the Bachelor by chomping into a beer can with her bare teeth, biting off a piece and giving it to him and saying, "just a little something to remember me by".
• On Make Me a Supermodel, Perry practices and perfects the art of "the tuck". I'll let you come to your own conclusions about what that means.
  
• At the elimination ceremony, Brett leaves it up to Kristie Joe to stay in the house or leave. After everything she has put the entire cast of Rock of Love through, she decides, of her own accord to leave and "take care of things at home". Brett is heartbroken. Inexplicably.
• On the Gauntlet III finale, Eric "Easy" is unable to finish the race and has to be taken to the hospital. The rookies, after losing nearly every challenge, win by default since you must finish the race with all of your team members.
• Only a Matter of Time: For those of you who haven't watched Pop Fiction, I recommend it. Celebs get back at the pap (paparazzi, for those not in the know) by portraying things about themselves that are not true for the pap to spread around. I have a feeling this week is going to be Halle Berry and her brand new daughter "Nahla Ariella". That can't possibly be her real name, right?

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 3/14/2008

My life feels somewhat empty again, now that this season of Project Runway is over. Here's what's still keeping me going:

• This week's Supernanny was touted as having one of the longest tantrums in the show's history. My legs have never been more firmly closed shut.
• Dustin Diamond made a triumphant return to this season's Celebrity Fit Club, seeking his third 15 minutes of fame.
• Kim, of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, insists she is entitled to the most expensive suite in a Miami hotel, despite the fact that it had been booked for months. I didn't realize people famous for having sex tapes with minor celebrities were entitled to most expensive suites that have been booked for months. Later in the show she catches her little sisters poking fun at her diva ways.
• In other news, Kim Kardashian's little sisters are awesome.
• Jessica Sierra couldn't make it back to the Celebrity Rehab reunion due to prior commitments.
• Only a Matter of Time: Dustin Diamond will somehow weasel his way into his own reality show on VH1 for his fourth 15 minutes.

How To Lie With Statistics

I hate ads like this (I wanted to embed it, but it got deleted off youtube).

Ads like this are prime examples of how to lie with statistics.

Propel compares its calories with Vitamin Water's. They say how much exercise you'd have to do if you were to drink Vitamin Water versus their superior fitness water.

What they fail to point out is that Vitamin Water has more vitamins per serving than Propel. For instance, Propel has 25% and 10% of Vitamin E and Vitamin B12, respectively. Meanwhile, Vitamin Water has 50% of each of these in the same serving size. The most notable difference comes in Vitamin C, where Propel has 25% in 20 oz. and Vitamin Water has 100% (or an astounding 150% in their defense version).

They also don't point out that if you drink their Propel Fitness Water, you'd still have to do 98 sit ups, 528 steps, or 199 jumps, which, while less than the amount you'd have to do if you were to sin and consume Vitamin Water, is nothing to sneeze at.

And, like I touched on in my rant about Coke Zero versus Coca Cola, Propel is probably loaded with all sorts of artificial flavors that don't fill you up and make you eat more in the long run, and in the longer run, have to run more.

GET RICH[ER] QUICK

For those of you who don't know me (all two-ish of you) I have a pretty interesting work environment. I am fairly confident I'm being taped for a reality show, the reality version of the hit NBC show, The Office, complete with our own Jim, secret office romance, and unspeakably ridiculous boss.

One of the things we do to pass time (and boost ratings!), is we come up with Get Rich Quick Schemes so we can quit our jobs and live in the lap of luxury. In light of our Jim transferring to a new department, and leaving me to complete his work, I have decided to fast-track my getting rich by sharing the ideas we've come up with so far. If interested, please leave me a comment and I will entertain the idea of you making me rich. Don't try and steal these, I'll sue you (Get Rich Quick Scheme #14). So here they are:

1. Mouth guard to cover teeth to prevent tooth decay for bulimics
2. Video crew to document embarrassing moments at holiday parties, weddings, anywhere alcohol is abundant, and blackmail offending person
3. Gag gift of a large ear to give to someone who likes to talk but can't find willing listeners
4. Swarovski crystal rims for car
5. Pet parasites ("It'll keep you skinny!")
6. Football helmet shaped beanie hats
7. "La Oficina" - Spanish version of The Office
8. Kid size tanning beds with pictures/movies on the inside to keep them entertained so they'll stay in the full length of time (This will come in handy for stage moms entering their daughters in Lil' Miss beauty pageants.)
9. Tattoos visible-by-black-light-only for those who wish to live double lives
10. Roach clip for real roaches (inspired by our ant clip [We have an ant farm. Jealous...?])
11. Car tinting made of what the eyeglasses that change color according to how much light there is are made of
12. Eyebrow hair extensions
13. Move out to L.A. and buy beater cars, park outside popular nightclubs and wait for celebrities to hit you while driving drunk
    

REAL[ITY] CHECK - 3/7/2008

Holy crap it's been a busy week in reality TV. There's so much to cover:

• Daisy, from the Rock of Love, didn't get the words of the National Anthem right... even with the lyrics in front of her face. In other not-the-sharpest-tool-in-the-shed news, Megan learned new words like "posterity" when learning the Preamble to the Constitution. Is it just me or is it a distinct possibility that she hasn't realized yet that she's on Rock of Love now, not Beauty and the Geek anymore? Brett also claimed at the elimination ceremony to be emotionally and physically drained for the second week in a row. Syphilis will do that to a person. A much more exhaustive recap here (Story).
  
• Scott Baio found his friend Johnny D. at a strip club at 11 a.m. that advertised their "Lunch and Lap Dance" special for $5.99 on Scott Baio is 46 and Pregnant. Lunch AND a lap dance for $5.99... seriously?? Can you blame him??
• I happened to stumble on The Greatest Reality Show of All Time, My Big Redneck Wedding, hosted by Tom Arnold (Awesome.). Even better: it was a marathon. Featured on the marathon included but are not limited to the following: a demolition derby wedding, complete with a pink camo car, a groom dressed in his best camo, and mother son mud wrestling.
• On the Project Runway finale, Christian failed to keep his promise of not saying "fierce" for the rest of the season, a not-shocking-at-all FIVE times.
• I can't believe I almost forgot to include the events of this week's Millionaire Matchmaker. Two successful men were set up with nice, classy girls. And by nice, classy girls I mean girls that participate in varying degrees of the adult industry (Story).
  
• Supposedly Perry (from Make Me A Supermodel)'s girlfriend was the mystery woman Adnan Ghalib is "cheating" on Britney Spears with.
  
• Only a Matter of Time: Speaking of Britney, in an interview with Project Runway, Christian says that he wants to have a reality show where he offers fashion and styling tips to Britney (Story). Did I call it or what?